Here’s to … 5 reasons to have another drink

Hype around pregnant homosexual dogs living in dumps with the journalistic credibility of arse crack hair may have slipped under the radar recently but their achievements should not be forgotten. Lets have a look back some of the more interesting shenanigans of the week.

1. Angelina Jolie populates so career won’t perish

The $5000 baby bonus ‘professional entertainer’ Shazza received last week is just a drop in the vaginal waters that Brangelina frolic in. Brangelina have used their estimated US$15 million from pictures of genetic child 2 and genetic child 3 to continue saving the world one jackpot-winning orphan at a time. Since Angelina started churning out babies faster than India does telemarketers, everyone seems to have forgotten the days when Angelina pashed her brother on the red carpet, carried Billy Bob Thronton’s blood around her neck and used knives as sex toys. Want a career makeover? Make babies. Bad news, Zac Efron.

2. Katy Perry says bi for now

Pink’s done it, Kay Perry’s done it even Britney’s done it- and I’m not talking about releasing songs that your dog barks at, rips up, shits on then buries. I’m talking about kissing girls. You know a singer is sick of just their family buying their CDs when sexuality needs to be trivialized and used as a marketing technique. Katy Perry who has never been in a relationship with another woman claims that being a lesbian is “not what good girls do… Not how they should behave”. That’s right, because sexuality is a commodity and a joke used to demonize some people and make others more appealing (or in her case, sell CDs). Next thing you know, someone’s going to tell me Ashlee Simpson sings live.

3. Finally: television is rubbish

As if shit singing, shit dancing and shit tactics weren’t already proliferating our television screens, actual shit has made its way onto the airwaves. Turns out the Poms’ bad breath is similar their level of creativity as Foxtel’s Lifestyle Channel is about to broadcast an English reality television series in which contestants must live and survive in a rubbish tip to win AU$50, 000. Contestants on the eco-friendly show will rely on the dump’s materials for shelter, food and clothing. Meanwhile Amy Winehouse has asked, “What challenge?”

4. Anna Coren here today, gooone tonight

If there’s anyone you need to have a drink for this week, it’s Anna Coren. Sure, journalists already drink enough grog to finally give Pete Doherty daily showers, but the former Today Tonight presenter has given her last sympathetic nod and “hhmm.. I wouldn’t want to live their either” and moved onto CNN in Hong Kong. Having been Seven’s US correspondent and later their Haifa correspondent during the Lebanon-Hezbollah war in 2006, Coren’s credibility took a leap out of Jessica Simpson’s book. Instead of staring in Proactiv ads, Coren hosted TT. Both feature repetitious crap with fancy background music. Coren who was ridiculed by the Chaser boys and labelled a ‘performer’ by her own networks in a court battle is now off to rebuild her career and off our television screens. A win-win situation. There really is a god.

5. Dog eat car world

Savage dogs in Darwin have devoured a man’s car twice. The dogs dug into the ute’s bumper and lower bonnet, leaving teeth marks and scratches all over. In two unrelated stories, Kirstie Alley insists she has never been to Darwin and an Aboriginal man has discovered a new way for dogs to fetch liquids.

Obesity: A Lose/Lose Situation

Those who are overweight and perceived to be unattractive have more difficulties in job interviews and promotions, a new study by the Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences has revealed.

Attractive people are assumed to have positive social traits and greater intelligence, making them more likely to secure better job packages, authors of the study Carl Senior and Michael J.R. Butler said.

“This is known as the ‘halo effect’ and it has previously been shown to affect the outcome of job interviews,” the researchers said.

It has also been claimed those who eventually shed the kilos will build more wealth and greater job prospects.

Jay Zagorsky from Ohio State University’s Centre For Human Resource Research has said those who had dramatic changes in weight had a similar change in wealth.

“For example white women who dropped their body mass index by 10 points saw a wealth increase of $11,880,” Mr Zagorsky said.

Indeed the plus-sized citizens of the world have it so bad that the government in Massachusetts has begun action to amend the Massachusetts General Laws c. 151B to protect those who are discriminated due to their weight and height.

The compositionally challenged have become the size 16 butt of all jokes as their exclusion from society has hampered their ability to enjoy all aspects of life.

‘Big-boned’ workers will therefore never reach the top of their career. In fact the only top they’ll ever be familiar with is their own muffin top belly.

Even hobbies which allow us to escape the daily grind of life are affected. Of course most hobbies require physical involvement which no one expects from these people anyway. However, even simple hobbies such as playing computer games prove to be troublesome especially if one has difficulty pressing just one button at the time.

For example if you take everyday acts such as talking and flirting and whack on a few kilos, disgruntled hair and a weathered face; you get Belinda Neal and John Della Bosca’s Iguana scandal. Suddenly a simple chitchat becomes the unleashing of two wild beasts- and I’m not talking about the Williams sisters.

Humankind’s favourite pastime, sex, also becomes problematic due to Kevin Rudd’s alcopops tax. Now there is no excuse for sleeping with fat people, because it costs more.

In Australia, overweight and obese residents are almost the majority, making up nine out of the total population of 21 million. In this sense, they are like Australia’s public transport system. While most Australians hate them, we acknowledge their existence despite their failures because there is no other alternative. They cost taxpayers millions every year.

Both the public transport system and large Australians have made international headlines. On one hand, Secretary-General of ERG Hans Rat told the World Cities Summit in Singapore last week that Australia’s public transport system established a “very bad reputation” internationally. On the other hand, Australia topped the list as the world’s fattest nation per capita.

But perhaps we have been too cruel to our heavier counterparts. 2day FM seemingly crossed the line when Hot 30 show hosts hid prizes inside a ‘prize pig’, an overweight woman. Listeners were invited to come into the studio and find the hidden prizes. The entire ordeal is available to view on the station’s website.

We need to realise there may be benefits to ugly people. If laughter is the best medicine, Kirstie Alley’s body can probably cure cancer.

There needs to be a new way of thinking. We need to change the way we see fat people before our lives are run like amusement parks. Sooner or later entry into the world of social acceptance will be like kids trying to get on rollercoaster rides. Gone are the “You must be this tall” signs and in with the “40 Kg max and 6 ft min” signs.

In this world, size fours will be allowed in extenuating circumstances. However, a waiver of a lemon-juice-and-pepper-only diet will need to be signed.

Hi How Are You? Welcome To Retail

The NSW government will launch an online public survey in response to concern over the lure of the no deposit, no interest, no repayment schemes usually offered by many retailers selling expensive goods such as electrical and furniture.

State Minister for Fair Trading, Linda Burney, says her department needs to take action in an environment where interests rates are high and cashless consumers are turning to credit lenders.

“Consumers who don’t keep track of their debt and don’t pay it off by the due date can find themselves owing much more than the original price of the goods,” Ms Burney said in a statement.

The survey will collect information about people’s experiences, including whether they were told about the high fees attached to the deals.

“This online survey will feed into an information campaign and more importantly an examination to whether there needs to be more disclosure laws around this type of shopping,” she said.

So in summary- shoppers are stupid.

Before customers walk into a shop, they neglect to notice any signage employees have worked tirelessly to position on windows so that they grab one’s attention. Instead, customers like to argue why the ‘whole store isn’t 70 per cent off’.

There is one solution- read!

Empty-minded customers clearly do not understand the meaning of ‘up to’ and also ignore the fine print which explains that one must ‘spend over $199 to receive the gift with purchase’. These same people are probably the ones who actually believe Anna Coren gives a rat’s backside about which laundry powder they use.

These blind, ignorant and Winona-Ryder-inspired customers are the ones who do not admit they need help. Putting aside the obvious mental help required amongst these individuals, one will find it evidently clear that these people refuse to show they need assistance in finding price tags, size conversions and style cuts.

Firstly in regards to price tags, customer’s continually suffer from the Jamie Lynne Spears syndrome. That is, they are missing what is clearly in front of them. While customers are not engaged to a college drop-out who wants their money, customers are however missing price tags which are easily located if they exercised their mind even a few steps more than their daily exercise of five steps to the fridge to reach for more butter.

Other customers do not act passively and refuse help, but in contrast actively argue. Many of these simpletons adopt the façade of a seasoned shopper and a ‘regular’, but fail to comprehend the widely known size and cuts that are unique to any particular store. Sometimes even the mighty fall, admit it. Even Nicole Kidman made Bewitched.

Then there is conversational small talk. Retail employees who care about customer service will often ask three open-ended questions and begin with a “Hi how are you?” or a “You right?”

On the rare occasion where compliments are given to customers, it should be noted that compliments are overwhelmingly made on accessories such as scarves and necklaces. This is because compliments on ripped faux fur jackets and metallic denim are not worth conversation, let alone compliment.

In fact, most of the time sales assistants do not even understand what in Armani’s name customers are saying. In this way, customers are like politicians. The retail world needs customers to survive, but secretly hates them. However instead of writing hate mail to the media, sales assistants take it to the back room and discuss camel toes and wedgies over discounted coffees and Youtube.

This disdain is especially common towards the customers who go on a power trip every visit. These customers boss sales assistants around asking for the same thing in every possible size and every possible colour, unaware any size and any colour will not match them. It’s like trying to make Kirstie Alley look slim. Some people are just persistent …

Before leaving with security tags on their clothes and not stopping to the sound of alarms because of fat clots in their ears, customers attempt to bargain over designer labels.

Note to customers: Versace, Prada, Gucci, Fendi and the like are not Tara Reid. Their prices are high, remain high and are highly sought after.