You can be gay – just don’t be happy

Imagine you’re a child. Imagine you’re a child who never got to have bubblegum – just chewing gum. Now all the grown ups kept saying that it did the same thing, it contained sugar and that it was still sweet. But all the little kids in the playground had bubblegum. You had chewing gum.

Lets start this easily long-winded discussion on gay marriage with our friends in the US, the leaders of the free world.

In Australia’s relationship with the US, the US is the Britney Spears of the family; the older, crazier, more famous and more radical sibling. When it comes to kicking conservatism to the curb, the US are second to none.

If you’re not Sarah Palin you may know that the US Supreme Court decision in Roe v Wade made it legal for a woman to terminate a pregnancy for any reason up until the point where the “foetus becomes viable”, seven months.  Heck, if you’re not Sarah Palin you probably know a lot of things.

Let’s also not forgot the ingenious Bill of Rights which protects the much needed right to bear firearms.

So in supposedly the greatest country in the world, you can kill babies that are two months from birth and you can risk the lives of millions of schoolkids in high school massacres which seem to be as frequent as Jennifer Aniston attempting to release another blockbuster. Apologies, her first blockbuster.

Despite having laws in place that risk lives, the California Supreme Court ruled in May to uphold Proposition 8. Arguably one of the more liberal states in the US continues to treat gay and lesbian citizens as second-class people who do not have the same access to rights as heterosexuals.

When we look at the situation in Australia, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. In fact this Australian apple was dropped on the head as a child.

The US allows abortion for any reason up to seven months. Australia, with the exclusion of one state, only allows abortion under strict circumstances as prescribed by a doctor. The US allows the right to bare firearms. Australia amended the Firearms Act in 2008 after years of lobbying only so far as to make it easier to obtain a license.

We lag behind. And with gay marriage, we lag even further. It’s not even lagging behind in a cute way like Eric the Eel. It’s more the sort of lagging the really big contestant does in a Biggest Loser challenge – painful to watch and almost beyond hope.

When all is said, when it’s all done and dusted and the fat lady has sung (probably that same Biggest Loser contestant) the anti-gay marriage argument boils down to two main points.

The first is that the term marriage is sacred and has religious origins that have permeated throughout history. A marriage is between a man and a woman.

The second is that gay people do not make good parents.

In regards to the first issue the first thing is obvious. How religious are we? No really, just think about it. Australian heroes are footballers. Married footballers engage in controversially consented group sex. Need I say more?

Furthermore, this preoccupation that a marriage is sacred between only a man and a woman is ludicrous. This has meant that in Australia homosexuals can only be a de facto couple – not a married couple. You can have chewing gum, just makes sure you stay right away from that special bubblegum.

On one hand, I get it. If homosexuals get the same rights as married heterosexuals when it comes to health insurance, tax, parenting and separation – then maybe homosexuals just need to ‘get over it’. Maybe “marriage” is just a term churchgoers are in love with and homosexuals should leave it alone.

But how just is that?

That argument rests on the fact society is willing to give homosexual couples everything – just not the word “marriage”.

But if it is just a term, isn’t it more humane to lean on the side that encourages happiness rather than the one that denies rights?

The second argument is equally as intelligent as George Bush trying to push doors that don’t open. The argument that children need both a male and female figure in the early stages of their lives is valid. Controversial and potentially as weak as Britney’s singing, but it is valid.

Firstly, what about single parents? Are we saying that all single parents are horrible people because they are denying a child to be immersed in the environment a heterosexual couple can offer them? That’s right, because the single-parent families which make up 14 per cent of all families in Australia are breeding anti-social, mentally challenged and depressed left-wing criminals.

Oh and all those heterosexual parents – they’re doing a fantastic job. Please take a moment to applaud them. Please take a moment to applaud those awesome kids on P plates who speed and take the lives of innocent people. Let’s also congratulate the refined skills of Corey Worthington’s parents. I take my hat off.

So while states in the US continue to uphold Proposition 8 and Australia continues to live in denial, many people will be celebrating. Many people will be jumping up and down that some human beings can’t adopt or foster children, won’t be able to file joint tax returns and are unable to tick the “married” boxes when filling out forms. What a win for them.

Meanwhile, others just want to be happy.

A caveman diet you can deal with

For clearer skin, a healthier body and to maybe even look like Lindsay Lohan- because who doesn’t want to?

Just like Lindsay Lohan and sobreiety – baby steps – and you may actually get there. So lets look at keeping the AM hours of the day processed-food-free (almost anyway).

1. Important to keep fruit + veges up and other added things into your food out (salts and other condiments).So for breakfast I recommend wholegrain cereal (REAL cereal.. not that shitty NuriGrain stuff), with a chopped up banana, throw in some sultanas and a bit of honey for flavour. Seriously take less than 3 minutes and it’s filling. Step away from toast if you’re going to put “spread” on it. Use avocado instead and spritz some lemon onto it (that’s the hot tup). Also, step back from the coffee!! It has an array of horrible things in it!

2. If it’s been through a machine and has had lots of funky stuff done to it- leave it alone. That includes all the funky packaged/multicoloured biscuits, crisps and no doubt fast food. So with snacks look for low salt but high potassium. Good sources of potassium include most fruits, vegetables, nuts, white meats, oranges, broccoli, bananas, peaches and cabbage. Note that potatoes are an excellent source of potassium but are avoided in the strict caveman diet. For more caveman tips click here.

3. And to get your juices going. Remember: high potassium. It might even reduce your blood pressure levels. So that means celery. Celery smells and tastes gross, but Happy Juicer have a great recipe which include apples, carrots and refreshing cucumber. Make one large bottle once every 3 days and keep it in the fridge.

You are what you eat! Just make sure it’s not “nothing” or “everything and anything”. No one likes to be easy.

Winona Ryder brings you this week’s best steals

bargain time is all the time with Winona

In the coming days be sure to check out…

1. Friday May 22: JetStar have Friday Frenzy sales. This is only from 4pm to 8pm and Twitter tells me they will have a special to Japan.
2. Friday May 22: Last day for Country Road members to benefit from a 25% storewide sale. This includes a further discount on already discounted items.
3. Friday May 22: Myer has 50% off Australian and International designer frocks.
4. Very cheap fragrances can be purchased here. More than 50% off + free shipping when purchasing fragrances. Also get Blistex for a bargain $2 here. Protect those lips during winter!
5. Should sign up to Boomerang Books here. They have a monthly sale consisting of a 20% discount on all their books. Benefits include a flat-rate shipment fee regardless of number of books purchased and books will be shipped as they arrive to Boomerang Books. Even if all your books come in 3 shipments, you just pay one delivery fee!

It’s all such a bargain.. it almost calls for the Recession Buster Dancers!

David Beckham brings you the top 5 things to do while bored on the train to work

1. For the nerds: By using the carriage number, try making a mathematical equation using any of the mathematical operations and use brackets if neccessary to make those numbers equal to 21. For example carriage number 1367 would be 7 x (6-3) x 1= 21

2. People watching: Bold and the Beautiful – Cityrail style. To stop your perving from looking obvious, stare at other people in the carriage and make up a storyline as to how they would all relate and how relationships could start to form.

3. People watching: If everyone in the carriage had to be a food- what would they be?

4. Exercise: Abs and thighs. If you’re luckily enough to get a seat on peak hour trains: sit with back against the backrest and lift both legs up and down. You only should be lifting from the knee down, so that the thighs stay parallel to the seat. Lift just high enough before you kick the best in front of you.

5. Sleep. Always be sure to grab a window seat so you have something to lean on. Never understood why some people love the aisle and even when you want to take the spare seat next to them, they try to squeeze in their legs rather than move in and take the window seat. Just make sure you don’t miss your stop!

The A to Z in being lAZy

Because I don’t make fun of fat people enough …

Laziness. It’s the workaholic’s Swine Flu. But with Winter well and truly settling in and when lifting up the doona in the morning is like smirking at muffin tops, painful but necessary- maybe it’s not our fault we feel lazy.

So what are the symptoms of being a lazy uni student? Is it sleeping in, looking poorly presented and recycling old material? No, that’s just Today Tonight.

Being lazy can mean making small changes to your daily routine. Switching from brushing your teeth in the morning to a simple Listerine mouthwash is one thing. Switching from having cereal to having no breakfast is another. It’s called anorexia. Or, if you’re over 90kg, it’s called common sense.

While being lazy might give you that initial euphoria, you don’t want to stay in that state for too long. Like everything else, prolonged exposure to laziness may cause permanent damage. Just look at Paris Hilton. And I’m not talking about media exposure.

Laze phases need to be snapped out of so we can embrace happy moments. An example? The 2008 wedding of former fattest man in the world, Manuel Uribe, who weighed almost 560 kilograms.

You know there’s something wrong when your number in weight is almost twice the number of guests you have at your reception.

So while Manuel would have been jumping for joy on one of the happiest occasions of his life, he was probably a little self-conscious. No man wants to wear his wife’s wedding dress on the big day and have a train follow behind him. Especially if that train is loose skin. The only jumping Manuel should have been doing is a jump right onto the treadmill.

The point is, Manuel got off his triple arse and shed almost half his body weight.

Recently the ABS released figures which show that more than 2 in every 3 Australians are overweight or obese. Strength in numbers. Really big numbers.

However, the only reason why the government commissions these findings and has campaigns for us to lose weight is so we don’t burden the shitty health system and so we don’t take time off work which will lead to an even shittier economy.

Government campaigns just want us to keep the six-packed, tight-butted and waxed-chest cogs of the economy going. Well to hell with that! They can take their corny rhetorical questions and measuring tape and strangle themselves so hard their faces turn fluoro red so they actually look like they’re passionate about politics and not just in it for the free flights and an excuse to dress horrendously.

If watching the Logies taught us anything, besides the fact Gretel still has the same stylist from her Big Brother days, it’s that working hard can be dangerous. We have Mr Carl Stefanovic to thank for that.

So I say, embrace the laze- just not for too long. Complacency can result in Four Corners coming along and doing an expose’ on your private life seven years down the track.

Whether you’re black, white, straight, gay, young or old- you’ve achieved something. It’s a bit like food. Take laziness in moderation and small doses. Unless of course you’re obese…