Here’s to … 5 reasons to have another drink

Hype around pregnant homosexual dogs living in dumps with the journalistic credibility of arse crack hair may have slipped under the radar recently but their achievements should not be forgotten. Lets have a look back some of the more interesting shenanigans of the week.

1. Angelina Jolie populates so career won’t perish

The $5000 baby bonus ‘professional entertainer’ Shazza received last week is just a drop in the vaginal waters that Brangelina frolic in. Brangelina have used their estimated US$15 million from pictures of genetic child 2 and genetic child 3 to continue saving the world one jackpot-winning orphan at a time. Since Angelina started churning out babies faster than India does telemarketers, everyone seems to have forgotten the days when Angelina pashed her brother on the red carpet, carried Billy Bob Thronton’s blood around her neck and used knives as sex toys. Want a career makeover? Make babies. Bad news, Zac Efron.

2. Katy Perry says bi for now

Pink’s done it, Kay Perry’s done it even Britney’s done it- and I’m not talking about releasing songs that your dog barks at, rips up, shits on then buries. I’m talking about kissing girls. You know a singer is sick of just their family buying their CDs when sexuality needs to be trivialized and used as a marketing technique. Katy Perry who has never been in a relationship with another woman claims that being a lesbian is “not what good girls do… Not how they should behave”. That’s right, because sexuality is a commodity and a joke used to demonize some people and make others more appealing (or in her case, sell CDs). Next thing you know, someone’s going to tell me Ashlee Simpson sings live.

3. Finally: television is rubbish

As if shit singing, shit dancing and shit tactics weren’t already proliferating our television screens, actual shit has made its way onto the airwaves. Turns out the Poms’ bad breath is similar their level of creativity as Foxtel’s Lifestyle Channel is about to broadcast an English reality television series in which contestants must live and survive in a rubbish tip to win AU$50, 000. Contestants on the eco-friendly show will rely on the dump’s materials for shelter, food and clothing. Meanwhile Amy Winehouse has asked, “What challenge?”

4. Anna Coren here today, gooone tonight

If there’s anyone you need to have a drink for this week, it’s Anna Coren. Sure, journalists already drink enough grog to finally give Pete Doherty daily showers, but the former Today Tonight presenter has given her last sympathetic nod and “hhmm.. I wouldn’t want to live their either” and moved onto CNN in Hong Kong. Having been Seven’s US correspondent and later their Haifa correspondent during the Lebanon-Hezbollah war in 2006, Coren’s credibility took a leap out of Jessica Simpson’s book. Instead of staring in Proactiv ads, Coren hosted TT. Both feature repetitious crap with fancy background music. Coren who was ridiculed by the Chaser boys and labelled a ‘performer’ by her own networks in a court battle is now off to rebuild her career and off our television screens. A win-win situation. There really is a god.

5. Dog eat car world

Savage dogs in Darwin have devoured a man’s car twice. The dogs dug into the ute’s bumper and lower bonnet, leaving teeth marks and scratches all over. In two unrelated stories, Kirstie Alley insists she has never been to Darwin and an Aboriginal man has discovered a new way for dogs to fetch liquids.

It’s Always Racey

“I don’t think you’re ready for ethnicity ‘cause my body’s too bootylicious for you babe”. That’s what Destiny’s Child should have sung.

Let’s face it, when we think of Beyonce Knowles we don’t think of the ten Grammy awards she has won. Instead we think of the black voluptuous songstress who can work a crowd into a frenzy by doing the original ‘uh-oh’.

Racial differentiation is an ugly money-making-monster that rears its head, and if it can, swallows up all one’s talent, leaving them with only their bust, waist and weight measurements to make a living.

Society treats ethnicity like John McCain does Sarah Palin. The former says to the latter, “Come over here, look sexy and work to better my interests”.

Speaking of American politics- Barack Obama. The number of times Obama has been labelled “handsome” is the only count to surpass the recent changes to political leadership in Australia.

The media’s embrace of Obama’s aesthetic difference with Michael Phelps-sized arms is not only unprecedented, but also reminiscent of the populous support Colin Powell had in 1995 as the media were desperate to inject hype into the impending presidential campaign. Doesn’t the US media know it’s impossible? Cue John Howard’s Youtube cameos.

Journalists and talk show hosts continue revel in how Obama looks youthful, looks passionate and looks like someone with promise. Television shows have thus painted Obama as a fresh and in-touch politician. To answer the previous question: no.

Though, who can blame the media? We live in an image-obese world. Although Kirsty Alley would disagree and say it is obesity of the literal kind that is affecting our world.

Internet blogs erupted with excitement thanks to Tina Fey’s return to Saturday Night Live for two skits as foreign policy wiz and US vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. Palin says she recorded all of NBC’s Friday night programming but is still unable to find the skit.

The NBC’s other media colleagues are also quick to join the coal-fuelled bandwagon of bagging Republicans’ political prowess while on the other hand celebrating Obama’s charm.

For instance, four of the five ladies on US talk show The View hold partisan opinions in favour of Obama, leaving John McCain supporter and client of the world’s best hair colourist , Elizabeth Hasselbeck, constantly reduced to tears.

On the Ellen Degeneres Show, both Barack and Michelle Obama will be remembered for their coordination and rhythm as they slid, shook and shimmied their way onto the couch for their interview. In contrast, McCain will be remembered by Degeneres’ fans as the man who said, “People should be able to enter into legal agreements” when asked about gay marriage.

What I’m trying to say is that society whether out of convenience or pressure, commonly finds it easier to munch on physical differences be it in a positive or negative light. It’s apparently fun and refreshing.

One would be kidding themselves if Russian superstar and former part-time tennis player Anna Kournikova was to be remembered as the pioneer of women’s tennis in Russia and not her magazine spreads, lacklustre service action and off-court profile which has seen her become one of the richest sports people of all time. Andy Kirsty Alley wonders why Jenny Craig dropped her kilos.

One would also be forgiven for overlooking the producing and directing endeavours of Jennifer Lopez, Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek (executive producer of Golden Globe wining Ugly Betty). Not surprisingly, many simply associate these hardworking Latinas as ‘the curvy ones of Hollywood’.

When it comes to pointing out difference, we love to hype it up. It’s exciting. It’s new. But inline with what I have already said, this issue is not limited to race. It’s gender as well. But that’s a whole other can of worms that no amount of lipstick wiping off pigs from a windowsill in Alaska overlooking Russia can clean up.

But offcourse all this debate surrounding the media’s portrayal of physical differences is actually meant to help solve healthcare and unemployment issues. Isn’t that right Sarah?