Beckhamation: The New Depression Epidemic

New research released yesterday reveals a startling link between David and Victoria Beckham’s move to the US and the increase of depression amongst generation Y.

Reliable researchers from the University of Technology, Sydney (UTS), have been studying the impact pop culture has on young adults, paying particular attention to the English soccer player and his popstar wife.

UTS Associate Professor in people learnings, Big Issue Seller, said that an obvious example of this epidemic has been the increase of young adults wearing black skinny jeans and eyeliner.

“The most worrying thing is that most young adults are unaware how this is affecting their lives” Mr. Seller said.

Honi Soit has been able to obtain the research’s findings and a sample of how the research is applied follows:

7:00AM
Wake up for breakfast. You feel like shit for eating breakfast. There’s a reason why Victoria is the only Spice Girl people remember, and it’s because she doesn’t eat.

7:20AM
Get ready for uni. You’re just not good enough. You don’t put on your own over-priced clothing line, DVB, and you don’t even have our own sensuously destructive eau de parfum, Intimately Beckham. As you put on your Havaianas your heart cringes that designer Giambattista Valli hasn’t named a shoe after you. Neither do you have a Gillette razor with your name on it. Pft! Fail!

7:30AM
Jump into the car. Again, you just aren’t cool enough and are not living the way you’re clearly meant to as your non-existent Mercedes seat covers do not have your name embroidered on them. The sun glares, yet you can’t seem to find your Police sunglasses.

7:45AM
Look out the window on your way to uni. Depression aches as your empty soul asks why your electronically enhanced package isn’t selling Emporio Armani underwear on billboards, or why you’re not posing like a frozen stick figure doing the robot while holding a Marc Jacobs bag. WHY?

8:00AM to 12:00PM
It’s a short day at uni. While you’ve been working hard to get that 10% participation mark, David has been resting an injury whilst still earning US$24 million for looking pretty for Adidas. At the same time, Victoria practices smiling despite the plastic impracticality and rehearses the lines “Hi, it’s a pleasure to be here”, amongst other lines, before appearing on the Ellen Degeneres show.

12:15PM
On your way home. Caught in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Para road, you hear news on the radio that despite protests, another sweatshop in China has opened. On an unrelated note, the Beckhams share a bottle of champers during dinner at STK House with BFFs TomKat. David is also snapped by paparazzi, sms’ing on his ultra masculine Motorola snakeskin phone.

8:00PM
Watching Insight on SBS. This episode is on the educational crisis in NSW and the call for a new high school curriculum. You’re bored and feel like you’re not learning anything. You’re useless. Meanwhile Victoria switches on her Bang and Olufsen to a tape that she uses to teach herself her son the difference between “to”, “too” and “three”.

11:00PM
Time to sleep. You can’t get to sleep. You worry whether the stove is off, whether you’ve locked the front door and you think you hear a tap dripping. You go and check on the stove. At the Beckhams’, as Zhi Yan puts the three boys to sleep, David and Victoria enjoy wild tantric sex. David remains cautious and doesn’t want to break bones. It gets so hot that certain parts of Victoria seem like they’re melting. You come back from checking the stove. At the same time, the Beckhams fall asleep.

Hey, they’re only human.

Trash or Treasure?

Heather Mills McCartney teaches us how to be both.

There’s Trash

Heather Mills brings to life the popular American TV show, Desperate Housewives. The media-starved-sell-out blonde has, in the space of half a year, cried on international breakfast television on numerous occasions, failed miserably in deluded self-reassurance/promotion to keep divorce matters “private” and has been exposed by a UK Family Court judge that she made comments “devoid of reality” in his unflattering, much like Mills’ photos, 57 paged judgement.

The Jamie Jurie of gold-digging has recently been competing with Britney Spears in an attempt to decipher who can call the courts their own personal crisis drop-in centre. For Mills though, it’s proved to be more than that, it’s her Centrelink as well. We need to remember that at the core of Mills’ current monopoly, the former glamour model rose to fame doing what she does best. In ‘93 she sold her story to the UK’s News of the World after being hit by a police motorcyclist.

Since the damning court reports were released, Mills first complained about the breach of “human rights” in such private matters. However within hours, a rate I’m sure she is use to, she has completely turned and now wants the entire court proceedings to be released. According to the New York Post, Mills has already shopped around for potential television networks to air her uni-legged dirty laundry and is asking for one million British pounds to talk, and more for the inclusion of private photos and tapes. She sure knows how to ride it hard. A bargain, that is.

There’s Treasure (noticeably a much shorter in length than the last)

However, we must show some respect towards Mills. While most hookers need two legs to make money, Mills is making more than any, having reached a divorce settlement of £24.3 million, with just one leg. One internet blogger suggests that while her ex-husband has been honoured in music halls of fame, Mills should have a hall of fame of her own, and be painted as murals on walls across low income housing projects so fellow hookers can dream big too.

On a more serious note, “ex-wife of rock and roll superstar” is not the only dot-point on her resume’ (although it did score her a place in Dancing with the Stars and as a judge, ironically, on Miss USA commencing in April). Before meeting McCartney, Mills was involved with refugee work and also set up the Heather Mills Health Trust, recycling prosthetic limbs.

Then there’s Heather Mills

To truly be both trash and treasure, your roots need to be trash, but you need the potential to make treasure, yet still exuding a sense of trash. That is was Heather Mills does best.

Mills brings to the table a whole new meaning of being hit by a car and dusting yourself off and trying again, albeit with just one leg. And try she did. It is not common place that a model who suffers from an accident that has affected her looks bounces back up to marry a rock star. With those trashy roots, Mills then tried to Linda-McCartney-up her image and started work with animal rights and veganism campaigns.

On the other hand, it is these treasured aspects that have lead to her current trashy demise. Mills has claimed she had up to £45 million in the bank before she met McCartney and that it is only absent from her account now because 90% of it had gone to charity. However, Mills could not produce any record of money sent from her to charity between 1997 to 2000. And all along we thought she was a giver!

Additionally her tax returns showed no interest earned on any sum anywhere near £2 or £3 million.

Despite all of these tribulations, Mills has managed to turn her trashiness into a £24.3 million estate. Even now, media outlets are equally as hungry for her “exclusives” and appearances hoping to boost audiences. Proof that trash can be treasure.

In a statement after the recent trial, Mills told the media “With my head held high I am glad to be a strong woman and will use my wealth productively and continue my attempts to make a positive difference in this world”.

What a difference she has made. Thanks for the insightful life lessons, Heather.

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