Beauty is only 9 months and a caesarean scar deep

After a pinch of controversy, a dash of blame-game ping-pong and a large teaspoon of media attention, the government-appointed teen advisory group finally submitted a Voluntary Industry Code of Conduct to Youth Minister Kate Ellis last week concerning the increase of body dissatisfaction levels amongst Australia’s youth.

But it’s not the kids I’m worried about. It’s mums.

Whilst standing at my bus stop trying not to tweet about the state of our public transport system, I noticed that the magazine advertising on the walls of the newsagency behind me were celebrating one thing: how one celebrity mum, who has more money than she does a sense of reality, got her body back.

My mum doesn’t have Nicole Richie’s maternity inspired breasts. My mum doesn’t have Angelina’s lips. She doesn’t have Elle’s legs and she definitely doesn’t have Heidi Klum’s stomach. But guess what? She’s a bloody great mum.

So what’s with this new fascination of yummy mummies?

The University student inside of me would say that it’s a sign of our post-modern times where nothing is black and white and the 19^th century strict rule against, and indeed the fear of, the sexualised woman has now entered the mainstream.

However, I also believe our fascination with looking unrealistically beautiful stems back to the growth of the supermodel. I of course don’t meant literal growth, because that’s one thing models don’t do (in addition to eating and staying sober).

Society’s obsession with Naomi Campbell (throwing phones or otherwise), Linda Evangelista (who famously said she wouldn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day, or breakfast), Claudia Schiffer, Christy Thirlington and Cindy Crawford is now coming back to bit us on our size 14 muffin-topping bums.

We started to idolise them so much that we began to question why we, free from cash; stylists; trainers and personal chefs, were unable to emulate their airbrushed plasticity.

Then, we put the pressure on.

So while you decide whether to wear a skirt or pants to work and face the public eye just like Ashlee Simpson decides which nose to go with next, former Supermodels like Cindy Crawford are cracking under the pressure.

Crawford told Britain’s Hello! magazine why she quit modelling.

“I don’t want to stand next to a 20-year-old on the runway, even if people say you can still do it. It is like, ‘Why would I do that to myself?’ It would just make me depressed,” she said.

In something completely unrelated, Cindy then appeared on the April cover of US Allure magazine, wearing nothing but moisturising cream.

Crawford did however say something sensible, “I appreciate my body for other things — like I was able to give birth to two kids”.

She has a point. Women need to appreciate their bodies – especially mums. A mum can never forget that she has just brought life into this world. But the 16 percent of women who give birth in Australia and suffer from post-natal depression probably don’t need to see that image of Cindy.

But some say this unachievable fantasy is needed. If Madonna is allowed to keep thinking she can act, surely we can dream that we too can have foreheads that look like candle wax.

The problem is these goals are not presented as fantasy, rather it is an apparent reality.

On the cover of magazines or in the headlines of current affairs television, journalists are offering “top tips” and presenting “success stories” of how “ordinary mums” and glamorous designer-clad celebrities have lost all their pregnancy weight.

Just take one look at any women’s lifestyle magazine’s media kit and within seconds you’ll see how their target audience is real women who care about their inner beauty and want to lead healthy lifestyles. And showing women how Beyonce went weeks with nothing but lemons is precisely the key to inspiration…

But my endless rants, the efforts of ambassadors such as Sarah Murdoch and Mia Freedman will never be enough. It’s a cultural problem.

Sex has striped off its corset and shimmied its way from the private to the public sphere.

Churn your minds over the following and you will understand what I mean: the success of the annual Sexpo, Courtney Cox’s new show CougarTown, the 21st century term MILF and the age-old segment in men’s magazines that offer the girl next door to feature on their covers and calendars.

The terms cougar and MILF do to feminism what contraception does to the church.

And don’t think you can stop it. Sexualised and idealised images of women in pornography are not stopping any time soon. In California alone it is a $12 billion industry employing 12,000 people. That’s almost the capacity of Rod Laver arena.

Though there is hope.

Sarah Murdoch recently appeared on the cover of Women’s Weekly, and to her request, was not airbrushed.

That’s a great example and all, but here’s what the editor had to say.

“I can’t possibly commit to that, I’m a realist,” Helen McCabe told AAP.

“There are real business imperatives why magazines have gone this way. It’s a very competitive industry and I’m – at this stage – just taking a little baby step and seeing how this goes for now,” she continued.

Of course, because what was I thinking? The last time I saw a full-figured not airbrushed woman in any hardback publication was in my art textbook in high school. It was Titan’s Venus of Urbino and that was from the 1500s!

Essentially it’s a fear of the unknown and we don’t want to challenge an industry that’s been rolling on for so long.

So my mum probably won’t be on the cover of Vogue any time soon. All she’ll be on the cover of is our family photo album. Circulation of five and a readership of something around the low 20s. But no amounting of campaigning, pitches, follow-up calls or industry pressure can change that …

Sea Change: A sea-sore-ing issue

University is like a disease. Whether it’s ‘studying’, ‘revising’ or ‘writing’ we are hard-wired to work towards a common goal that is meant to help us improve our job prospects. As we walk to campus pass the nasal-voiced busker and the fortune-teller-lady sitting on a milk crate, we have our serious faces on – starring down the barrel with tunnel vision. It’s kind of like squinting, or natural if you’re Asian.

Of course disregard that whole par if you’re studying arts, in which case you kissed those job prospects good-bye years ago (four essays on semiotics, six presentations on sexuality and 80 discussions on binary oppositions later, you’re still philosophising the meaning of meaning).

As we approach the end of the year and the three-month holiday call grows from a whisper to a barely sober yell, we start to go all Dr Phil (minus the sexual harassment) and reflect on what we want in life.

A sea change perhaps? The thought of reprioritising everything you’ve worked on up until this point. Two choices: be like Nicole Kidman’s face and stick it out, stand the test of time and remain the same or do a Madonna and work your arms out like mad, whack on a leotard and call it a reinvention.

So which types actually opt for the sea change? The ones who are realistically doing well in their lives with great marks and a salary definitely don’t need a sea change. The thought is just a mere lapse of concentration. The day these conservatives take on the sea change is the day we’ll see Germaine Greer in a bikini and waxed legs in a strip club. Not likely and not pretty.

The ones who are prepared to go on the real sea change are the ones who are willing to re-evaluate everything they have, do a Posh Spice and empty everything inside of them except for the essentials.

Undertaking new territory and weathering untouched terrain can be an intimidating experience. While some, like President Barack Obama try something new and win the Nobel Peace Prize after two weeks in the job, we’re fortunate if we even win the attention of Cityrail and tell them that the new timetables aren’t working and we’re still breathing down freaky guy’s left armpit on the 9am train.

Whether you’re a student, caretaker or one of Julia Gillard’s working Australians, you have probably lived the last few years with one sole priority. One thing, that like a circle, the rest of your life is centred around.

Consider now, taking that priority to the periphery and putting something else in the centre. It could be travel, learning a language or mastering a hobby.

Sound spooky? Well if working in PR and following politics has taught me anything, it’s that renaming something can help ease the pain. Treat them like illegal immigrants, when they’re asylum seekers. Invent the term wardrobe malfunction when it’s a nipple slip. Sea change? Think of it more in terms of renegotiating your social understanding of the self within the dichotomy of the public and private spheres.

Which workplace character are you?

If work was sex, I’d be giving Sienna Miller a very very good run for her money.

Without blowing my own trumpet and inflating my ego to the size of David Beckham’s greatest asset, his family, in the space of one year, I have stared and scarred nine very different workplaces.

So while I don’t claim to be able to do things like decipher your gender, especially if you’re a world champion athlete, I can help demystify the complexities of workplace personalities.

Think back to the first time you walked into the office. You could smell her Channel number five perfume from The Reject Shop, you could feel the floor shake as others tried to run away form her – and you could most definitely hear her hyena-like laugh. Yep, it’s the classic loud workplace slut. When everyone came over to your desk during lunch to say, “welcome”, she was opening up (in more ways than one) about come of a different kind. And when news came out about Bill Clinton’s affair, she said, “I would never screw someone in a blue dress.”

Then there’s the office clown who can’t tone it down. He probably has the same breakfast as Kyle Sandilands every morning. No, not a double bacon and cheese muffin with hash browns and hotcakes – I mean, two over-sized servings of stupidity. If there’s a button to be pushed or statement to disagree with, trust potty-mouthed spoilt child to be all over it. In this kid’s world, making the managing director grind his teeth is like winning the Nobel Peace Prize. And to him, since the Nobel Peace Prize is all about peace – why don’t beauty pageant entrants go in it too?

A day-to-a-page diary, a week-to-a-page diary and a financial year diary are what our next character has in her handbag without fail. She’s the workaholic. She spends more time in the office than with her online boyfriend from Botswana and she blushes every time someone says “over time”. As the world stopped in 1945 to witness the nuclear bomb drop on Nagasaki, this little bookworm marvelled at the invention of the microwave and what this meant to cutting down lunch time.

Finally, unless you worked on the cast of Seinfeld, every workplace has a token hottie. She’s the reason guys crash into walls when perving and walking and he’s the reason girls are refreshing their facebook pages for the latest stalker info. Let’s face it. We hate these types. They distract us from our work, they remind us of what we don’t have and they probably slept with the boss to get the job. Second thought, not so jealous. They are the workplace porn stars: leave nothing to the imagination, rely on their looks, you can find them on the internet and they tend to start looking generic.

So when it comes to these typical workplace characters, it’s easy to dismiss them as boring and one-dimensional. But weren’t they also the easiest to rack up conversation with? All you had to do was mention booze, a prank, deadlines or diets. After all, we’ve come to know what to expect from them and some how value this consistency. The clichés become our safe go-to people. Why else do you think Mel and Kochie still have their jobs after all these years?

pARTS of the Body: The Stomach

What do Demi Moore, Kirsty Alley and the Victoria’s Secret Angels all have in common? Apart from making a fairly straight forward game of f*ck/marry/kill, everyone has had a keen interest in their bodies – particularly their stomachs.

Demi Moore’s career rebirthed after the defibrillator treatment of extensive exercise and probably liposuction and starvation. She was finally given the all clear to reenter popular culture thanks to her slow motion bikini run in Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle. But like all Hollywood heart revivals, this success would only last a few minutes. Kirsty Alley’s weight needs no introduction, in fact her weight probably needs nothing at all. Kirsty’s yo-yo dieting transforms her body from banging to gagging as the one-time Jenny Craig spokesperson now has trouble justifying her existence as a single person. She probably wouldn’t want to fly United unless she had the money to pay for two seats. Judging by her heart failure of a career, I doubt it. As for the Victoria’s Secret Angels … I’m sure we all watch the annual fashion shows to witness its creativity and design.

The point is – the stomach attracts attention.

This issue most recently caught me unaware, like torturing BO on the MRT, when I was holidaying in Singapore and attended a bikram yoga class (almost an oxymoron really, bikram, in Singapore). While some middle-aged ladies stopped mid-pose to pull down their T-shirts, my draw dropped onto the burning 40 degrees floor as I stood, with right foot (almost) touching my head, in awe of the personification of perfection posing in front of me. It goes without saying that it was a bit harder to concentrate and look straight (pardon the pun) ahead during this class.

But apart from the almost automatic drops of self-consciousness that seeped into my head, it go me thinking – look at the impact someone’s stomach can have on your perception of them.

Undressing someone with your eyes is not voluntary. If they’re looking malnutritioned or that their death would solve the world food crisis, it’s normal to feel a sense of curiosity. I sometimes wonder whether that’s the feeling Sarah Palin had when she thought she could be a politician. If they’re attractive, it’s human instinct to imagine what lies beneath. And when people wonder that about you, you don’t want them thinking the 2000 Harrison Ford horror film.

The stomach’s function is to breakdown the crap we put in it and turn it into something we can digest. It’s the 3.8 litre engine of the Porsche Carrera. It’s the must-have white shirt in every wardrobe. It’s vital and it needs to look good – inside and out.

Eat: increase fibre and fluid, reduce fats. Click here for more

Do: exercises for all parts of your abs. Click here for more

You can be gay – just don’t be happy

Imagine you’re a child. Imagine you’re a child who never got to have bubblegum – just chewing gum. Now all the grown ups kept saying that it did the same thing, it contained sugar and that it was still sweet. But all the little kids in the playground had bubblegum. You had chewing gum.

Lets start this easily long-winded discussion on gay marriage with our friends in the US, the leaders of the free world.

In Australia’s relationship with the US, the US is the Britney Spears of the family; the older, crazier, more famous and more radical sibling. When it comes to kicking conservatism to the curb, the US are second to none.

If you’re not Sarah Palin you may know that the US Supreme Court decision in Roe v Wade made it legal for a woman to terminate a pregnancy for any reason up until the point where the “foetus becomes viable”, seven months.  Heck, if you’re not Sarah Palin you probably know a lot of things.

Let’s also not forgot the ingenious Bill of Rights which protects the much needed right to bear firearms.

So in supposedly the greatest country in the world, you can kill babies that are two months from birth and you can risk the lives of millions of schoolkids in high school massacres which seem to be as frequent as Jennifer Aniston attempting to release another blockbuster. Apologies, her first blockbuster.

Despite having laws in place that risk lives, the California Supreme Court ruled in May to uphold Proposition 8. Arguably one of the more liberal states in the US continues to treat gay and lesbian citizens as second-class people who do not have the same access to rights as heterosexuals.

When we look at the situation in Australia, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. In fact this Australian apple was dropped on the head as a child.

The US allows abortion for any reason up to seven months. Australia, with the exclusion of one state, only allows abortion under strict circumstances as prescribed by a doctor. The US allows the right to bare firearms. Australia amended the Firearms Act in 2008 after years of lobbying only so far as to make it easier to obtain a license.

We lag behind. And with gay marriage, we lag even further. It’s not even lagging behind in a cute way like Eric the Eel. It’s more the sort of lagging the really big contestant does in a Biggest Loser challenge – painful to watch and almost beyond hope.

When all is said, when it’s all done and dusted and the fat lady has sung (probably that same Biggest Loser contestant) the anti-gay marriage argument boils down to two main points.

The first is that the term marriage is sacred and has religious origins that have permeated throughout history. A marriage is between a man and a woman.

The second is that gay people do not make good parents.

In regards to the first issue the first thing is obvious. How religious are we? No really, just think about it. Australian heroes are footballers. Married footballers engage in controversially consented group sex. Need I say more?

Furthermore, this preoccupation that a marriage is sacred between only a man and a woman is ludicrous. This has meant that in Australia homosexuals can only be a de facto couple – not a married couple. You can have chewing gum, just makes sure you stay right away from that special bubblegum.

On one hand, I get it. If homosexuals get the same rights as married heterosexuals when it comes to health insurance, tax, parenting and separation – then maybe homosexuals just need to ‘get over it’. Maybe “marriage” is just a term churchgoers are in love with and homosexuals should leave it alone.

But how just is that?

That argument rests on the fact society is willing to give homosexual couples everything – just not the word “marriage”.

But if it is just a term, isn’t it more humane to lean on the side that encourages happiness rather than the one that denies rights?

The second argument is equally as intelligent as George Bush trying to push doors that don’t open. The argument that children need both a male and female figure in the early stages of their lives is valid. Controversial and potentially as weak as Britney’s singing, but it is valid.

Firstly, what about single parents? Are we saying that all single parents are horrible people because they are denying a child to be immersed in the environment a heterosexual couple can offer them? That’s right, because the single-parent families which make up 14 per cent of all families in Australia are breeding anti-social, mentally challenged and depressed left-wing criminals.

Oh and all those heterosexual parents – they’re doing a fantastic job. Please take a moment to applaud them. Please take a moment to applaud those awesome kids on P plates who speed and take the lives of innocent people. Let’s also congratulate the refined skills of Corey Worthington’s parents. I take my hat off.

So while states in the US continue to uphold Proposition 8 and Australia continues to live in denial, many people will be celebrating. Many people will be jumping up and down that some human beings can’t adopt or foster children, won’t be able to file joint tax returns and are unable to tick the “married” boxes when filling out forms. What a win for them.

Meanwhile, others just want to be happy.

A caveman diet you can deal with

For clearer skin, a healthier body and to maybe even look like Lindsay Lohan- because who doesn’t want to?

Just like Lindsay Lohan and sobreiety – baby steps – and you may actually get there. So lets look at keeping the AM hours of the day processed-food-free (almost anyway).

1. Important to keep fruit + veges up and other added things into your food out (salts and other condiments).So for breakfast I recommend wholegrain cereal (REAL cereal.. not that shitty NuriGrain stuff), with a chopped up banana, throw in some sultanas and a bit of honey for flavour. Seriously take less than 3 minutes and it’s filling. Step away from toast if you’re going to put “spread” on it. Use avocado instead and spritz some lemon onto it (that’s the hot tup). Also, step back from the coffee!! It has an array of horrible things in it!

2. If it’s been through a machine and has had lots of funky stuff done to it- leave it alone. That includes all the funky packaged/multicoloured biscuits, crisps and no doubt fast food. So with snacks look for low salt but high potassium. Good sources of potassium include most fruits, vegetables, nuts, white meats, oranges, broccoli, bananas, peaches and cabbage. Note that potatoes are an excellent source of potassium but are avoided in the strict caveman diet. For more caveman tips click here.

3. And to get your juices going. Remember: high potassium. It might even reduce your blood pressure levels. So that means celery. Celery smells and tastes gross, but Happy Juicer have a great recipe which include apples, carrots and refreshing cucumber. Make one large bottle once every 3 days and keep it in the fridge.

You are what you eat! Just make sure it’s not “nothing” or “everything and anything”. No one likes to be easy.

Winona Ryder brings you this week’s best steals

bargain time is all the time with Winona

In the coming days be sure to check out…

1. Friday May 22: JetStar have Friday Frenzy sales. This is only from 4pm to 8pm and Twitter tells me they will have a special to Japan.
2. Friday May 22: Last day for Country Road members to benefit from a 25% storewide sale. This includes a further discount on already discounted items.
3. Friday May 22: Myer has 50% off Australian and International designer frocks.
4. Very cheap fragrances can be purchased here. More than 50% off + free shipping when purchasing fragrances. Also get Blistex for a bargain $2 here. Protect those lips during winter!
5. Should sign up to Boomerang Books here. They have a monthly sale consisting of a 20% discount on all their books. Benefits include a flat-rate shipment fee regardless of number of books purchased and books will be shipped as they arrive to Boomerang Books. Even if all your books come in 3 shipments, you just pay one delivery fee!

It’s all such a bargain.. it almost calls for the Recession Buster Dancers!

David Beckham brings you the top 5 things to do while bored on the train to work

1. For the nerds: By using the carriage number, try making a mathematical equation using any of the mathematical operations and use brackets if neccessary to make those numbers equal to 21. For example carriage number 1367 would be 7 x (6-3) x 1= 21

2. People watching: Bold and the Beautiful – Cityrail style. To stop your perving from looking obvious, stare at other people in the carriage and make up a storyline as to how they would all relate and how relationships could start to form.

3. People watching: If everyone in the carriage had to be a food- what would they be?

4. Exercise: Abs and thighs. If you’re luckily enough to get a seat on peak hour trains: sit with back against the backrest and lift both legs up and down. You only should be lifting from the knee down, so that the thighs stay parallel to the seat. Lift just high enough before you kick the best in front of you.

5. Sleep. Always be sure to grab a window seat so you have something to lean on. Never understood why some people love the aisle and even when you want to take the spare seat next to them, they try to squeeze in their legs rather than move in and take the window seat. Just make sure you don’t miss your stop!

The A to Z in being lAZy

Because I don’t make fun of fat people enough …

Laziness. It’s the workaholic’s Swine Flu. But with Winter well and truly settling in and when lifting up the doona in the morning is like smirking at muffin tops, painful but necessary- maybe it’s not our fault we feel lazy.

So what are the symptoms of being a lazy uni student? Is it sleeping in, looking poorly presented and recycling old material? No, that’s just Today Tonight.

Being lazy can mean making small changes to your daily routine. Switching from brushing your teeth in the morning to a simple Listerine mouthwash is one thing. Switching from having cereal to having no breakfast is another. It’s called anorexia. Or, if you’re over 90kg, it’s called common sense.

While being lazy might give you that initial euphoria, you don’t want to stay in that state for too long. Like everything else, prolonged exposure to laziness may cause permanent damage. Just look at Paris Hilton. And I’m not talking about media exposure.

Laze phases need to be snapped out of so we can embrace happy moments. An example? The 2008 wedding of former fattest man in the world, Manuel Uribe, who weighed almost 560 kilograms.

You know there’s something wrong when your number in weight is almost twice the number of guests you have at your reception.

So while Manuel would have been jumping for joy on one of the happiest occasions of his life, he was probably a little self-conscious. No man wants to wear his wife’s wedding dress on the big day and have a train follow behind him. Especially if that train is loose skin. The only jumping Manuel should have been doing is a jump right onto the treadmill.

The point is, Manuel got off his triple arse and shed almost half his body weight.

Recently the ABS released figures which show that more than 2 in every 3 Australians are overweight or obese. Strength in numbers. Really big numbers.

However, the only reason why the government commissions these findings and has campaigns for us to lose weight is so we don’t burden the shitty health system and so we don’t take time off work which will lead to an even shittier economy.

Government campaigns just want us to keep the six-packed, tight-butted and waxed-chest cogs of the economy going. Well to hell with that! They can take their corny rhetorical questions and measuring tape and strangle themselves so hard their faces turn fluoro red so they actually look like they’re passionate about politics and not just in it for the free flights and an excuse to dress horrendously.

If watching the Logies taught us anything, besides the fact Gretel still has the same stylist from her Big Brother days, it’s that working hard can be dangerous. We have Mr Carl Stefanovic to thank for that.

So I say, embrace the laze- just not for too long. Complacency can result in Four Corners coming along and doing an expose’ on your private life seven years down the track.

Whether you’re black, white, straight, gay, young or old- you’ve achieved something. It’s a bit like food. Take laziness in moderation and small doses. Unless of course you’re obese…

Lure of the Label

Lately, the call of the high-end fashion label hasn’t just been a little Chinese whisper circling my head. In fact, there’s nothing Chinese about it at all. Think more along the lines of: made in Milan.

Whether it’s the impending due dates of assessments which make me dream more, my newfound interest in horoscopes or my burning desire to be SBS’s Lee Lin Chin’s stylist; I have suddenly taken a liking to high-end labels.

In the past I though Chanel was a neologism of the more correctly spelt ‘channel’. I thought LV was a popular pattern my family in Vietnam liked to use for their manchester. And I thought Targét was a rather reputable brand.

Clearly it doesn’t take anymore than daylight savings and the colour of Michael Jackson’s face to tell me times have changed.

There is some justification of my new love however.

If we all bought one Prada bag, instead of five or Proda bags- the world would be a better place.

Buying good quality items not only makes you consume less as the item’s versatility and longevity will outlast the item of inferior quality, it is also more likely that the better quality bag supports workers and companies who work under ethical conditions and wages.

High-end shopping can be seen as a boycott to all third world, child and sweatshop labour. I guess you could say we’re doing little three-year-old Chakrabandhu from Thailand a favour.

It does make me wonder though… How else will he and his family find a source of income?

Anyway, back to Louis Vuitton. I believe cravings and guilt are what makes us live. It’s probably the only way to live.

Our craving for the weekend gets us through work. Our craving for sex with remotely attractive people pushes us out the door and into a nightclub. And the guilt we feel when we bite into that Sparkle cupcake makes the chocolate icing and strawberry pieces taste that much sweeter.

There’s a lesson to be learnt in the economic crisis- desperate times call for desperate measures.

For example, Kevin Rudd swears on national live television and is almost heroically portrayed as just a normal human being. Right, because his apologies for yelling at a flight attendant for serving an incorrect meal and using taxpayer money to fund a striptease American holiday didn’t quite tell me that he’s a bit dodgy.

Even president Obama attempted to tick all the popularity boxes when he became the first American president to appear on a late night talk show. He then of course decided to insult people with special needs. O ma ma, Obama (couldn’t help, had to include that one!).

Next thing you know, Amanda Vanstone will try to regain popularity too by joining Dancing With the Stars. Yeah- not pretty. There’s a fine line between being obese, and being an insurance liability.

My point is: spending is good. As the government hands out $900 to most of us, we deserve to spend it on luxuries which will make us feel better. We’ve worked damn hard for it. Nothing cures exam stress like a brand new leather jacket. Right?

Now, back to facebook…